I sometimes hear from wives who want to know “the secret” that separated wives use to get their husbands to come home. I often hear comments like: “what do those women do to get their separated husbands to willingly come home? They must be doing something that I’m not doing. Because in my mind, I have tried everything but my husband isn’t even remotely interested in returning home.” I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I separated about the same time as our neighbors separated. My female neighbor and I would often have dinner together and discuss strategies. Well, her husband came home last weekend ready to work things out and mine is still living away from me and is showing no signs that he might return. What did she do that I didn’t? Because when I ask her this, she says she can’t pinpoint anything that she said or did. She said that her husband just seemed ready to come home. What is she doing that I’m not? I need to know how all of these wives get their husbands to come home so that I can do the same things because I miss him and need him here.”
I could completely understand this wife needing answers. I was separated myself a few years ago and I was absolutely desperate for any answers. I was willing to try absolutely anything to get my husband to come home. And sometimes, I feel as if that were part of the problem. While I was grappling for answers, my desperation got the better of me and I jumped around trying different things and changing behaviors, which eventually just made things worse.
I think that sometimes, the husband is just ready to come home or he just comes to his own realizations. But I think that other times, there are things that some wives are able to do to nudge their husband to come home a little sooner. Through research, I learned some of these methods which really helped me and I will share some of them with you now.
Some Wives Plant The Idea That Their Husband Has Something Meaningful To Come Home To: This is common sense, but it is so often missed. In order for your husband to come home, he will often need to believe that his quality of life with you at home is going to be much better than his quality of life without you away. Sometimes, this isn’t very difficult because your husband is having bad experiences or feelings while he is away. But other times, this can be a little more difficult because, even if the husband isn’t completely happy away, he is able to avoid the conflict and the drama of life at home when the future of his marriage is uncertain.
Coming home sometimes leaves him with an unknown. And since he can’t see into the future, he will often rely on past behavior. If the past leaves you a lot to overcome, then you will have to rebuild the trust and allow him to see how or why things might change when or if he comes home. He must believe that things are going to be better at home not just for the short term or the long term. Sometimes, this takes time and requires you to carefully lay the groundwork.
You’ll want to be patient, understanding, and easy to approach and talk to. If the two of you argue when you are together (or even argue about his coming home,) then he will understandably have doubts about moving forward and coming home. After all, if you can’t get along now, what is going to change once he comes home?
Separated Wives Who Nudge Their Husbands Home Will Often Cultivate A Playful New Dynamic Between Them: Many wives whose husbands are eventually lured back will admit that they were able to put their fear aside, at least while their husband was present. They were able to keep things light hearted and positive, even if they didn’t always feel this way deep inside. They did this because they knew that when things went well with their husband, then he was more willing to see or interact with them in the future. They also knew that keeping things light and playful would help to neutralize what was already a stressful situation. They suspected that focusing on fear and uncertainty was only going to make things worse.
I know first hand that this is sometimes challenging to pull off. Sometimes, you feel anything but upbeat, and you really have to look at the big picture so that you don’t just give into your negative feelings and make things worse. But in the end, it is worth it. As I improved my attitude, our relationship improved. And my husband was more willing to spend time with me. And as he was more willing to spend time with me, I made each encounter count so that things continued to get better and better.
Successful Wives Don’t Try To Rush Or Push Their Husbands To Come Home Before He’s Truly Ready: Here’s one last important point. When things are going well, it’s extremely easy to be quite tempted to suggest that your husband comes home the second that your situation improves. Sometimes, this is a mistake. It’s often better if you can wait for him to suggest that he is ready to come home. At the very least, make sure that he is enthusiastic and willing before you suggest it. Because, if you suggest it to soon, he may well think that your light hearted and easy going attitude was only meant to get him home. He may worry that once he gives in and comes home, you’re going to drop the act. And this is the last thing you want. You want for him to not only believe that things are going to change and improve, you want that to be the truth so that your marriage not only reconciles, it lasts for the long haul and it makes you both happy.