Men are good at giving excuses. This is because men are also good at lying. Men know that the best way to tell a lie is to make it swift. They disguise their lies with well-rehearsed excuses.
Most of these excuses are common. Some of the excuses were so bad they were actually given without even an attempt to console my feelings. All of these excuses, however, were received at the last-minute. Timing is everything. Timing is especially important when you are going to lie.
The best lies have to be presented as truth so as to make the liar feel as though their excuse was unavoidable, plausible and, therefore, not their fault. A good excuse is something like a partial lie – with some truth, maybe someone will believe it. Seldom did these men apologize for the inconvenience or disappointment a last-minute change of plans may have caused me. They failed to apologize because, of course, the event was so disastrous that any kind soul would understand and, of course, realize that it wasn’t their fault. They couldn’t help it.
Below is a list of the top six excuses I have received throughout the years whenever a man telephones or now sends an email to cancel plans with me. Catastrophes, I have learned, always occur just before the dinner hour.
Excuse #6: “My mother called. She’s sick. I won’t be able to see you tonight because I have to go over to her house to take care of her. I’ll call you later.”
This excuse came from a man who rarely sees his mother, seldom talks to her and the last I knew, she lived in another state. He never called later either. I have to assume the mother died; otherwise, I am sure he would have called to reschedule.
Excuse #5: “Hi, it’s me. I won’t be able to see you tonight as planned. I have to work.”
This excuse is an all-time favorite. Men use it all the time. It is especially useful for men who work in the computer industry and have to rush back to the office to logon their computer to fix a computer problem. Most wives or girlfriends don’t know that these same men can now walk into the next room and logon from the home computer to fix the computer problem at the office that will keep them out all night. Almost every man I have known has this excuse stashed in his back pocket. Bosses are always the reason these men have to work late or on the weekends. All men have important jobs that require them to work late or go to the office late at night. They prepare their dates, girlfriends and wives with this excuse early during a relationship – just so they can use it when they need it.
Excuse #4: “Hi, I’m sick. I think I’m coming down with something. I don’t want to give you whatever it is that I’ve got, so I will just stay home tonight and go to bed early.”
This is excuse is too common to list, but it is still worth mentioning. I hear it often. The suggestion that he is going to go to bed early is said so that the dinner date, girlfriend, wife or whomever he is speaking with won’t bother to telephone later to see how he is feeling and, thus, won’t offer to bring any home-cooked soup over to help improve his health. His health is fine. The “sick” feeling is always disastrous, contagious and potentially fatal. The men who use this excuse are accustomed to dating “care-givers” and, therefore, have learned how to preempt any offers of comforting.
Excuse #3: “Hello, I’m just calling to tell you that I won’t be able to take you out dancing tonight. I need to stay home to mop my kitchen floor.”
This excuse was so bad that instead of feeling hurt or rejected, I started to laugh before he finished his story about how dirty his kitchen floor was. Mopping his floor on a Saturday night was urgent and could no longer be postponed. He was just going to have to give-up going to the bar to drink and dance. It was critical that he cancel his previously scheduled date with me so that he could give his kitchen floor his undivided attention. As I listened to what he was saying, I started to laugh. I couldn’t believe he could deliver this excuse with a straight face. Didn’t he know the importance of giving a good lie? I had known this man for about four dates and one camping trip before the cleanliness of his kitchen floor became more important to him than me.
On this particular Saturday night, we were scheduled to go dancing at a …